Sunday, November 14, 2010

Flip The Script on the TSA

Public affairs vex no man, as Dr Johnson observed:
BOSWELL. "Perhaps, Sir, I should be the less happy for being in Parliament. I never would sell my vote, and I should be vexed if things went wrong."
JOHNSON. "That's cant, Sir. It would not vex you more in the house, than in the gallery: publick affairs vex no man."
BOSWELL. "Have they not vexed yourself a little, Sir? Have you not been vexed by all the turbulence of this reign?"
JOHNSON. "Sir, I have never slept an hour less, nor eat an ounce less meat. I would have knocked the factious dogs on the head, to be sure; but I was not vexed."
BOSWELL. "I declare, Sir, upon my honour, I did imagine I was vexed, and took a pride in it; but it was, perhaps, cant; for I own I neither ate less, nor slept less."
At a minimum, I aim to not be seriously angered by political matters. It is a sad state of affairs to go through life railing angrily at the world.

But I find it difficult to maintain my equilibrium reading about the damn TSA and their genital groping antics. Ken at Popehat has a great piece on the subject, and links to a guy who describes what happened when he refused to be groped.

The only way I can not be furious is to think of creative ways to deal with the problem. Now, admittedly these only work for guys. But what I have in mind is this:

Try to make it as uncomfortable as possible for the TSA agents who have to touch your genitals. In other words, reverse the power dynamic. How would I do this? Simple. Firstly, opt out of the penis-viewer and agree to the pat down. 

BUT Say that you want the procedure carried out by a female agent. Then make an exaggerated show of getting sexual enjoyment out of it. Try the following:

"So you're going to fondle my balls, huh?"

"Mmm, that feels really nice."

"I think you're giving me an erection"

"Usually I have to pay to get women to fondle my balls. But now the government does it free, and I'm betting they're paying you a lot less than what I normally have to pay, that's for sure" 

Try to make it as humiliating as possible FOR THEM, and indicate that you're not put out at all.Most of these lines can be modified only slightly if they give you a male agent:

"So your job involves touch other guys' balls for $8 an hour, huh? I guess they didn't have any openings at Burger King"

"Can you jiggle them a bit when you're down there? I like it when guys do that to me"

"If I throw in a crisp George Washington, could you pat down my penis as well?"

@#$% the TSA. Let them find out that with just the right amount of sarcasm, touching guys junk in public can be even more embarrassing for the guy having to do it.

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